


Who I Am

by Yallsehood



Category: Sanders Sides (Web Series)
Genre: AU, Acceptance, Analogical best friends, Angst, Anxiety, Anxiety | Virgil Sanders Angst, Aroace Virgil, Asexual Virgil, Blonde Patton, College, College AU, Coming Out, Fluffy Ending, Human Sides (Sanders Sides), Internalized Aphobia, Internalized Arophobia, Internalized Homophobia, Losleep (mentioned), M/M, Panic, Patton (mentioned) - Freeform, Platonic Analogical - Freeform, Platonic Cuddling, Pride, Roman (mentioned) - Freeform, Stargazing, Trans Male Character, Virgil and Logan are roommates, Virgil comes out to Logan, analogical fluff, aroace!virgil, aromantic Virgil, talk of sexuality, trans!patton, venting
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-09-17
Updated: 2020-09-17
Packaged: 2021-03-08 00:33:46
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,600
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26516767
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Yallsehood/pseuds/Yallsehood
Summary: Virgil discovers he may be aromantic along with asexual. This identity doesn’t appear to be something Virgil wants, and he struggles to accept himself. He can’t keep all of these negative thoughts in his mind, so he decides to turn to his best friend: Logan. Hopefully, Logan will accept him for who he is.
Relationships: Anxiety | Virgil Sanders/Logic | Logan Sanders
Comments: 10
Kudos: 50





	Who I Am

Sometimes silence was much too deafening, and other times it was rather peaceful. Everyone was entitled to their own opinions of the lack of sound, but one purple eyed teenager was never too fond of it. That was all he was left with when he was sitting against his bed on the ground questioning the racing thoughts in his head. Normally, Virgil Storm was the kind of guy to listen to music, but all the songs he had stuck in his head had something to do with love. Since when did everything have to be so romantic?

For a while now the college student had been questioning his entire life. In truth, he had known he was asexual for a long time, and sometimes his intrusive thoughts would make him question these things, but Virgil knew he was asexual. That wasn’t changing. The only problem that Virgil could see was trying to figure out what his romantic attraction was. This ended up being an extremely troubling question to answer. At first, when Virgil came out in his sophomore year of high school, he thought he was homoromantic, but something didn’t feel right about the label. From then on, Virgil ended up never bringing up his romanticism when others would ask what he was. He only ever brought up the fact he was asexual, but it’s not like it was anyone else’s business anyone. 

Throughout all of his school years, Virgil had plenty of friends who had supported him through his journey of self-discovery. Patton had been on quite the journey himself, and he had helped Virgil when he sexuality a lot. It took a lot of conversation, but Virgil went to Patton since he knew Patton dealt with internalized homophobia and transphobia. Virgil was always there for his friend on the days his thoughts would hit bad too. The emo couldn’t even begin to imagine the struggle Patton went through with his family either. Patton’s father always did his best to understand that Patton was his son; Patton’s mom had picked it up much faster and always supported Patton. Virgil was there when Patton came out to his parents. Well, everyone was there he supposed. Roman, Logan, Patton, and Virgil were making plans to go to pride together at the end of their junior year together. Patton wanted to go as himself. The young blonde male had no desire to go as the gender he was assigned at birth, so when Patton’s parents asked what the four friends were doing? Patton told them they were going to go to pride; Patton fully came out to his parents when they asked him why he wanted to go to pride. Virgil wondered if Patton had felt pressured to come out, but he remembered that way down the line before they parted ways to go to college that Patton said he never felt pressure. Patton felt free when he came out… he could be himself. 

Was that what it felt like to know who you are? Freeing? Honestly, Virgil felt as if he were suffering right now, and he didn’t know what to do. He was asexual. Great… but what else? There had to be something else there, right? Virgil knew he would just feel like an empty shell of a person if he were to face the label he had been avoiding. He only knew that it was due to the way he grew up that made him think in that sick and twisted way. There was nothing wrong with being aromantic. 

Part of Virgil worried he was broken because he was asexual. Asexual and aromantic? Maybe he was damaged goods. He’s heard people say this to him before, so maybe all those haters were right about him. How many Disney movies had Virgil watched with Roman that had to do with love? Sure, Moana and Merida didn’t necessarily deal with love, but love was still thrown into Merida’s movie. Well, Merida was also technically a Pixar princess… not the point! Virgil grew up with everything in the media telling him that he had to fall in love. As much as he’d hate to admit it, some part of him wanted that. Why couldn’t he fall in love? What was wrong with him? 

It would take Virgil time to come to terms with the fact he was aromantic, and his thoughts were being very unkind to him. The whole process of trying to figure out who he was made him feel dizzy and nauseous. Virgil wanted to get this off his chest, but who could he turn to right now? Patton was likely asleep since it was so late despite the time difference. Patton went far away for college. Virgil didn’t want to bother Roman at a late hour like this, and he knew the prince-like young man might scoff at the fact the emo was mad at Disney. There was no need to call Janus or Remus ever since he had a falling out with them back in the beginning of high school. Well… there was always one other option. 

Logan Neuro was Virgil’s best friend; they had been best friends since they were elementary school. The two of them just understood each other perfectly, and sometimes they could communicate in complete silence… gosh, Virgil hated this silence though. He was fortunate enough that he and Logan ended up going to the same college, and they were sharing a dorm together. He was just wondering where Logan was. He usually never stayed out this late unless he was doing a project… Still, the semester had only begun. Could Logan really already be figuratively slammed with work? 

Slowly, Virgil pulled himself to his feet. Anxiously, he began to pace the dark dorm room as questions swarmed his brain. Would Logan accept him for who he really was? What if he was still unsure? Was it okay to question? Was this something he could even speak to Logan about? What if Logan didn’t want to be his best friend anymore? Virgil couldn’t have that. Logan was one of the few constants Virgil had in his crazy life, and he didn’t want to let Logan go. He wasn’t ready. Part of him did begin to wonder if he bothered Logan too much. Wasn’t the nerd sick of him by now? Maybe coming out as aromantic would put the final nail on the coffin… or maybe that was just Virgil’s anxiety talking. 

Everyone knew that Virgil was an anxious teen, and that would make life extremely difficult sometimes. His generalized anxiety disorder caused him to struggle at times. It made his thoughts spiral, he’d be nauseous, and his heart would race… there was so much more to it, but Virgil preferred to keep the details of it private. Still, maybe that was what was making coming out so difficult… Well, he can’t blame everything on his anxiety, now could he? 

More time passed and the stars were beginning to appear in the sky. They shined much brighter than the glow in the dark constellations Logan and Virgil had stuck to the ceiling of the dorm room. For a moment, Virgil looked up at them. Green. Wasn’t that the color of the aromantic flag? It seemed his thoughts were being more and more consumed by that word. 

In the past, Virgil was assured by his friends there was nothing wrong with being afraid of who he was. He could take the time to accept himself, and both Roman and Patton often reminded him it was okay not to know. It took Roman years to figure out what his sexuality was, and it was alright to try and figure that out. Roman was the first to come out, but he began questioning himself at a very young age. He didn’t want a princess to sweep off her feet, but he discovered he would rather have a prince. In the beginning of high school, Roman came out as gay. 

Virgil noticed that the prince charming like young teen had always carried himself with a sense of pride. As they grew up, Virgil learned some of that confidence was just a front, but he was still so shocked that someone could be so proud to be different. Virgil had been ashamed of his sexuality for a very long time, and he had only really started coming to terms with it a few months ago. 

Needless to say, life’s confusing. Anyone living in this world could state that, and perhaps some would not believe it to be true… but Virgil was in such a complicated mess. He felt trapped within the own walls of his brain. Why was this all so suffocating? All his friends knew who they were, and Virgil was wondering if he was playing catch up. What made him fall so far behind? Was he really flawed? 

Personally, Virgil didn’t think asexuality was complicated. The hard part of all of this was fighting this mental battle of telling himself he was valid for being asexual. He did wonder if he was missing out on a part of life. How many times has he heard science teachers mention how reproduction is a necessary part of life? In Virgil’s opinion, it was too many. There were other ways of having children now, and what about all those children who needed to be adopted? Was it necessary for him to truly experience this part of life? Well, even when he heard these talks and was identifying as homosexual, Virgil didn’t care much for them either. Then again, who really enjoyed that unit in science class?

Anyhow, Virgil just tried to shake himself out of his own doubt. Yes, he felt isolated when his friends had  _ certain _ conversations due to asexuality, but he didn’t understand why they had to treat him like he was innocent. Asexuality did not necessarily mean innocence towards more mature topics; it just meant Virgil would not be partaking in them. Virgil was sick of feeling like a creature from another planet during those times. Asexuality shouldn’t make others feel so… alone. 

Was that how he’d feel for the rest of his life? Virgil knew he was being aphobic towards himself. He had no problem with the idea, but it was so frightening when this applied to him. Not to mention he was being arophobic towards himself now. Internalized arophobia… Virgil didn’t want to be in this position. Just because he was told he would meet his soulmate later in life did not mean that soulmate had to be romantic! There were such things as platonic soulmates, and he had heard of QPPs as well while scrolling through social media. Platonic love was not so abnormal anymore… and maybe that was all Virgil needed. 

No matter what though? Virgil was not going to get anywhere if he did not get these thoughts out of his head. He needed to get all of this off of his chest and out of his rattling mind. Virgil fidgeted with his phone before checking the time: 2:37 AM. Where was Logan? Virgil tried to remember if Logan had told him anything specific about going out that night. It wasn’t too clingy to text Logan, right? Well, Logan once promised Virgil that he could spam him anytime, so perhaps Virgil could send him at least one message. There was nothing wrong with that… At least, Virgil hoped he wouldn’t be too burdensome. 

[Virgil: Hey, L?]

For a moment, Virgil was silent. He tapped his fingers against the side of his smartphone. He wasn’t expecting a response so quickly, but apparently Logan wasn’t as busy as Virgil was imagining. 

[Logan: Yes, Virgil? Are you alright?]

[Virgil: I need to talk if it wouldn’t bother you.]

[Logan: It would never bother me.]

[Logan: Is this an in person conversation or would you like to call on the phone? I can also continue to text you if you need to and verbal conversation is too much.]

[Virgil: Can I see you?]

[Logan: Yes, of course. Are you in the dorm?]

[Virgil: Yes.]

[Logan: Look outside the window.]

The emo cocked a brow at the text from his nerdy best friend, but he ended up turning around to look outside the dorm room window. Virgil had to squint to see his tall, dark haired, nerdy best friend sitting in the courtyard stargazing. That was when Virgil remembered Logan had gone on a date that night. That must have been why he was out so late! Shit… Virgil hoped he wasn’t about to ruin a romantic evening. Wow, that’s something he’d never get the chance to experience. 

_ Ugh.  _ Why did he keep beating himself up like this? It was just his identity! It didn’t determine his entire life. After all, things could always change. Virgil might not be aromantic, but it was how he would like to identify right now. Maybe it’ll be the right fit, and maybe it won’t. Virgil know some would simply tell him he just hasn’t found the right person, but it wasn’t like you could tell a lesbian she hasn’t met the right guy yet, right? Maybe this was just who Virgil was. There was nothing wrong with that. The road to acceptance was a long journey, but it had to start with himself. Hopefully, he could find some comfort in Logan. 

Slowly, Virgil had begun to make his way out of the dorm room to go meet Logan. He was hoping the sky was not getting too cloudy yet since he often enjoyed gazing at the stars with his best friend. Virgil always enjoyed listening to rambles Logan made about space. Sometimes it was just calming to hear. Part of Virgil wondered if he would even bring up the topic of his questioning aromanticism at all, but the back of his mind was begging him to do so. To come out? He could do it by telling one person at a time. Virgil thought talking to Logan might even help him understand his thoughts a little bit better. 

Out on the picnic blanket, Logan was lying comfortably on his back. That night he was wearing some nice dress pants, a light blue dress shirt, and a navy blue sweater vest with an argyle design on it. His sweater vest just so happened to match his socks; his shoes were off so his socks were visible at this time. As Virgil got closer, he observed how steady Logan’s breathing was. His chest raised and fell so easily that it reminded the anxious college freshman of the ocean. 

Virgil cleared his throat to let the other male know he was there and get this dreaded conversation over it. The emo just hoped he wasn’t going to overwhelm the nerd with too much information. 

Slowly, Logan opened his eyes so he could look at Virgil. “You did not waste your time coming down here.” He noted the fact Virgil hadn’t changed out of the pajamas he had been wearing. Part of that deeply concerned Logan. He never thought he’d see a day where Virgil walked out to the courtyard in Jack Skellington pajama pants, an old My Chemical Romance t-shirt, and a purple hoodie. Well, perhaps the clothing items on his top were less surprising, but Logan wasn’t expecting Virgil to be in pajamas nonetheless. “Is something wrong?”

Was there something wrong? Is that how one should start the conversation of coming out? Virgil was thinking there was something wrong with him still. This was starting to look a lot harder than he thought it would be. “I’m not entirely sure…” That was a good start, but he didn’t know how Logan would react. He didn’t know how Logan would react to any of this, but he was going to take that risk anywhere. “I feel wrong.”

Logan sat up as he cocked a brow. He patted the blanket he was sitting on so Virgil would sit down. He took a deep breath. “Are you sick or are you experiencing some internalized aphobia again, V?” Logan inquired as the emo sat down beside him.

“Neither.” It was clear how nervous Virgil was about all of this just by the one of his voice, and he was sure Logan could hear it. Logan was always able to read Virgil like a book, and Virgil was able to do the same for Logan. These two were extremely close. “Logan, I’m… not sure if it’s okay for me to be myself.”

The nerd wasn’t so sure what Virgil was beating himself up over. There was nothing wrong with Virgil. It wasn’t like he was doing anything illegal! “Why is that, Virgil?” He was just there to listen more than anything else, and he would offer help if he could. Logan didn’t want to leave Virgil feeling so confused and helpless. 

Virgil had to remind himself to take a deep breath; he had a feeling things could turn out okay, but he was beginning to worry that he could be completely wrong about all of this. What if he was going to lose Logan over all of this? He’d also been venting to Logan a lot lately, and he was beginning to worry he was just burdening Logan. What if he was? Was Logan waiting until he was okay to tell him? 

It took Virgil a minute to snap out of his thoughts again. He had to have this conversation with Logan instead of imagining an infinite amount of situations of how this could go wrong. “I think I might be aromantic.” Virgil finally said.

Part of Logan took a moment to process what Virgil had just sad as he studied Virgil. He could see how watery Virgil’s purple eyes were and the way he was fidgeted with the sleeves of his hoodie. All of his nails had been bitten off. Logan really needed to help Virgil get over that habit. It was a terrible one to have. 

The silence was short, but it felt it had lasted about five years to Virgil. Had he said something wrong? Was this end? The emo felt his stomach begin to knot itself. Was there actually something wrong with him? Virgil was so terrified that there was, but then he saw Logan offer him a hug. Sometimes Virgil really despised physical contact, but in other times it was grounding to him. Gratefully, Virgil accepted Logan’s hug. 

“There is nothing wrong with you, Virgil.” Logan said to him as he allowed himself to wrap his arms around his best friend. “You aroace, and that is totally and completely valid. I still love you, and I am here to support you.”

“Really?”

“Virgil, of course. I am always going to be here for you no matter how you identify. You’re aroace? Cool. You’re ace and homoromantic? Alright. Virgil, you can be whoever you want to be. There are those labels and so many more. No matter what? You are still Virgil.”

“So I’m not broken?”

Ah yes, Logan had heard that question from Virgil before in several different situations. “I think your heart might be damaged due to other situations in your life, but I do not think being aromantic makes you broken.”

“Not even if I’m aroace?” Virgil questioned, and he saw Logan nod. He took a deep breath as he hugged the nerd a little bit tighter. “I feel like I’m missing out on a big part of life. Romance is commercialized and advertised. I’ve been picked on for being single before, and now what? I’m single for the rest of my life.” 

“Maybe so.” Logan hummed. There was nothing wrong with being single, but maybe Logan wasn’t exactly one to talk since he just finished a date with Remy. “There is nothing wrong with platonic love though, Virgil. Sometimes that is more than enough for certain individuals. I am always going to be here to love you.” He said simply. “There is nothing wrong with being you.” 

“And if this isn’t who I am?”

“It’s always alright to doubt and question.” Logan answered Virgil without any hesitation. “You can always feel free to question yourself, and things might change. That’s okay too, Virgil. I promise you that everything is going to be alright.”

Logan’s words were reassuring, but Virgil still carried a lot of self doubt within him. Virgil was terrified of his own identity, but he supposed that would change with time. Perhaps he could learn to be as prideful as Roman was with his own identity. In time, Virgil would be able to accept himself. After all, Logan was right: there was nothing wrong with being himself. “Thank you, L.”

“It’s not a problem, Virge.” Logan said, he slowly looked back up at the sky. “Did you want to say like this for a little while?”

“That’d be nice… I guess.” Virgil mumbled. 

Logan nodded, “I suppose we can stay out here for a few more minutes.” Logan said and continued to platonically cuddle with his best friend. “Everything is going to be alright, Virgil.” He tried to reassure his best friend as he gently rubbed his arm.

Despite all of the doubts and anxieties continuing to scream in Virgil’s ears, the emo knew his best friend was right. “There’s nothing wrong with being me.” Virgil mumbled. He wasn’t sure if he completely believed that yet, but he was sure he would with time. Figuring things out was hard; Virgil was grateful that he had a best friend to love and support him. Everything would be alright. 

**Author's Note:**

> Hey guys! This is just a little oneshot I started working on. I hope you enjoyed it. You’re free to let me know what you think.  
> I would just like to dedicate this to my best friend who’s been helping me through my struggles with my own identity. It means a lot to me. 
> 
> Anyhow! See you all next time I update.


End file.
